I just knew something wasn’t right…

As a mother you know when something is just not quite right about your child. You can see it in their eyes, the way they are acting…so many ways. I cannot believe the downright incompetence of the staff at Pocono Medical Center. You should be able to feel safe in knowing that the hospital in your town can properly care for you and your family in the case of an emergency. But here in East Stroudsburg…they obviously can’t. I went on Christmas night (as explained in my last blog) to the hospital with my daughter immediately after we both fell down about 4 steps at my uncles. I wasn’t so much worried about myself as I was Kaitie because she was crying “OwwWah” the whole car ride. This is not like Kait, she’s a pretty rough and tumble little girl, it takes a lot to make her upset. So she gets examined and x-rayed meanwhile crying hysterically throughout the whole process just for them to tell me she must have just twisted her leg the wrong way. They said she had a sprain or something and just to give her infants Tylenol and have her relax until it healed. Mind you I kept begging for more x-rays and for them to check everything else because she was still frantic and I just knew that couldn’t be all. So we got discharged and sent home. All night and the next morning I still felt unsure. She was so upset and just not acting like her uppity little self. You could just tell she was in pain, and it was awful. I couldn’t take the risk any longer so my father and I (Perry was at work) immediately hopped in the car and took her down to St. Luke’s Hospital in Bethlehem, the same hospital where she was born. Everything went so smoothly, the polar opposite of the visit to Pocono.  The nurses and doctors there were amazing, they took their time with her and got her to play with them…she didn’t even cry once! They processed us and brought her back, took a look and got an x-ray and there they were…TWO bowing fractures in her left leg, as plain as day. How could this happen, how could Pocono miss this? I was pissed beyond pissed. Well all went well with everything, she has an open cast wrapped with an ace bandage and is to bear no weight on her leg for a month or so. I am taking her tomorrow probably to an orthopedic doctor at St. Luke’s and they’ll probably set her up in a new cast and such. I am glad all turned out okay in the end of this madness, she should heal perfectly normal thank god, no thanks to the assholes at Pocono Medical Center. Needless to say, I will NEVER be going there for treatment ever again!

And the drama continues:

So the day after I wrote this (didn’t even get to posting it), Kaitie wakes up screaming. Now by screaming I mean agonizing wailing and shrieking and throwing herself around. Turns out her little leg was having a muscle spasm. I called her pediatrician and her orthopedic guy and they both decided to have her admitted into St. Luke’s ASAP. I rushed down there and we got through all the processes and such and they medicated her and calmed her leg for the night. Perry arrived at about 8am the next morning and soon after the orthopedic guy and his sweet assistant lady came in and casted her leg, she was so awesome throughout the whole process. The doctor even said that this was the easiest cast he had ever put on a child. My poor baby, she just laid there clutching her ‘funny bunny’ and drinking her Sippy and let them do whatever they needed to do. So now she has a little hot pink cast on her left leg and I go to see the orthopedic dude in 3 weeks to see how when it comes off. I’m so proud of my baby though…she’s such a trooper!

Kaities First ‘Real’ Christmas…

So this year is Kaitlens first exciting Christmas, where as she actually realizes what toys are and is oh so happy about it. We went to Church Christmas eve with my dad, he was happy about that. He played/sang Christmas carols and Kaitie danced and played the tambourine. It was nice and laid back. We went home and she played and napped under the tree for a bit on Christmas eve…that was adoreable (took many pix of course). Then we put her to bed…daddy & I. Oh yeah, he did come over here to spend Christmas with us…and suprise, IT WENT AWESOME! So daddy spent the night cuddling Kaitlen keeping her comfy so she wouldn’t wake up while I was upstairs wrapping somewhere near 25 presents, some pretty big suckers too. We did go a little overboard with the gifts this year…daddy, grandma & I. But we needed to, she deserved it all. So I actually was able to wrap all the stuff but had like NO wrapping paper left afterwards. It sucked but was well worth it in the morning. She was so cute, she woke up happy as usual around 11am Christmas morning (I know I’m lucky I got a late sleeper), she had no clue what was going on. I changed her into her Christmas jammies and we took her upstairs. We woke up everyone who was still sleeping and then dug into the mountain of Princess wrapped gifts under our new tree. It was cute once she realized she could rip the paper off without anyone yelling about it. I had to tear it a little and then she’d rip right through the rest to see what was inside, once she figured out what it was and made us all ‘loook’ she threw it aside and began on the next one. Grampa, daddy & uncle josh got the job of opening and untangling all the toys and Grampa got paper cleaning duty too. I helped her open them and told her what they were and Gramma just smiled the whole time. It was fun seeing her play with her new stuff for only like a minute at a time becuase there were so many new things. Here’s a rundown of some of the stuff she got…

1. Bounce & Spin Zebra (from uncle josh)
2. Laugh & Learn 2 in 1 Kitchen (daddy)
3. Sesame Street Giggle & Go Garage with extra cars & Tractor trailor set (Gramma)
4. Amazing Animals Train & 4 Extra Animal & Baby Animal sets (Grampa)
5. Little People- like every set of these we could find… Preschool, Firetruck, Boat, SUV, Schoolbus, Noahs Ark (Gramma, Daddy & Me)
6. Busy Ball Popper and Extra Busy Ball sets<–the extra balls don’t work with the popper and that pissed me off a little (From Me!)
7. Shining Stars Stacker (Me)
8. Lots to Love Baby doll with feeding accessories<–extra chubby & cute (Me & daddy)
9. Vtech Crazy Legs Learning Spider (Gramma)
10. Vtech Alphabet Pal Caterpillar & a Princess Canvas Portrait (Aunt Kasey & Zach)
11. A baby doll (Cousin Jessie)
12. Money for a rocking caterpillar<–Still need to buy this one (Godparents Shawn & Shirley)
13. And a stocking full of M&Ms and stuff (From Santa of course)

Yeah so all in all I would say she had a pretty amazing Christmas this year. Then we left for her godparents house…everything went awesome there too. She loved everybody…untill uncle shawn growled at her, then she wouldn’t let him near her for the rest of the day. She can say “Shirry” (for shirley) and “Ammy” (for the dog Sammy). We had a great time over there untill the very end…I was walking out on my way to the car with kaitie in my arms and I slid right down the whole set of porch stairs. I switched Kaitlen to my chest (so she wouldn’t get hurt) but that didn’t work cause when I moved her I must have twisted her leg and we had to go to the ER on Christmas night. That was wonderful. But I do have to mention how sweet Perry was about all this. He was there for me and her in the hospital, making sure everything was going alright and fast too. He asked all the right questions and did everything he was supposed to do, comforting Kaitie and Me at the same time. All I could think was… “Now this is the man I married”. I was so touched, and proud that he acted the way he did, it showed me how much he is trying to be a better husband/father. Maybe he’s not all bad after all. So that ended in a tried mommy & baby loaded up on Codeine and a hungry daddy hunting for food on Christmas night.

Escaping Madness…

So the next step is getting the hell outa here. I love my parents and brother…don’t get me wrong, but no matter how much I love them they are still driving me insane. I can’t stand constant fighting, I mean damn that’s one of the main reasons I left The Husband. It seems like it never ends here…I mean it does stop but then it starts right back up 5 minutes later about stupid shit like who’s Orange juice that was or who left the light on in the kitchen. Damn, sometimes I wonder don’t these people have any real things to complain about. I can’t wait to start college, and with that comes a decent amount of financial aid money…and a loan. I need to pay tuition and a bill or two then the rest is going to my ‘Escape Fund’. This way I can save another month or so, get school all figured out and my career and who’s gonna watch My Princess. Ah…all the wonderful stuff. I don’t know what I wanna do yet about The Husband in this situation, let him back in or not. I know I want to move out with KC but him and her clash so maybe it would be for the best if I leave him where he is. Dunno all the details yet. Just that I need to get away. I do really need to get started figuring this all out. Where we wanna move, what we can afford, who exactly is coming, what we need exc. There is going to have to be alot of planning in this, not just another jump into an uncomfortable financial and social situation. It all needs to be organized down to teh smallest of details. I’m not gonna make the same mistakes twice. I do not want to ever have to move back in with my parents, this needs to be the last time this happens. I would love My Princess to have her own room but if worst comes to worst her and KC’s son can share a room, and that would work out fine as well. I thought about maybe me sleeping on the couch but that idea won’t last, I definately need my privacy too. I do actually have something of a relationship going on with The Husband right now and who knows what may come of the rebuilding process. It may actually work out, and then what. I need my own room. Then work, with school has to be figured out too. I need to get settled in with the online classes and routined with it before I can figure out a job schedual. I definately need some income here. Well there’s alot to this, as anyone can see. It’s gonna take alota time and talking to figure out everything. I am so excited!

So Tired of Just Not Knowing…

Sometimes I swear I just can’t make a solid decision on anything. I want it to all be over and then I can’t bear for it to end. I hate my husband for what he did, but I still love him for who he really can be. I know his potential and I can see it coming back in waves. Yet, I know what he’s put me through in the last 6 months and there’s no way in hell I will put up with that shit a minute more. He’s been changing, finally for the better and I just don’t know if he really deserves the chance to fix this. I know I don’t wanna end up being one of those stupid bitches like on Maury or something finding out the same shit is going on for the umteenth time. Where do I go from here? He is actually doing what I ask of him but I still don’t want to play my part in it. I don’t know what my part is. He is providing for our daughter and myself when necessary. He has been checking in with me and answering my calls at home and work 24/7. I haven’t heard any stories from anyone for awhile now (i.e.-him being with anyone, not home, or anyone going over there), nothing suspicious at all. I hope for the best with him I really do, but I just don’t know if I can handle anymore bullshit. I just don’t want anything to happen to completely ruin our chances of being able to co-parent without hatred. I know the truth, from him and from various other people. I heard all the ‘stories’ and added them all up to finally getting the truth. He told me everything, that’s what I said I wanted. Then I beat the shit outa  him for it. I slapped, punched, cried and screamed at him, there are so many bruises on his body that I really feel terrible about it all. But that’s what I needed at that moment. I couldn’t help myself, I couldn’t handle it all. I was whooping his ass and all he kept crying was “I love you baby, I’m so sorry, I just wanna take it all back, I just wanna die.” But I just kept hitting him, and crying and I couldn’t stop…Untill he grabbed me and hugged me as tight as he could. He said “If this is what you wanna do to me then do it, hit me as much as you need to, please just try to work this out, I just want my family back, I AM SORRY”. I dropped to the floor sobbing and he just hugged me and we cried, and he didn’t let me go. He gave me exactly what I asked for, everything I needed to hear, everything I needed him to do. He was just there for me, to let it all out on him. But that’s not enough. He still needs to gain my trust back bit by bit. He needs to do whatever it takes for me to be able to heal from this. If he can do these things than we can save our marriage. If he doesn’t, than we just have to throw in the towel. This time it has to be about us and what we want for ourselves and each other. Lets see how it goes.