Kaities First ‘Real’ Christmas…

So this year is Kaitlens first exciting Christmas, where as she actually realizes what toys are and is oh so happy about it. We went to Church Christmas eve with my dad, he was happy about that. He played/sang Christmas carols and Kaitie danced and played the tambourine. It was nice and laid back. We went home and she played and napped under the tree for a bit on Christmas eve…that was adoreable (took many pix of course). Then we put her to bed…daddy & I. Oh yeah, he did come over here to spend Christmas with us…and suprise, IT WENT AWESOME! So daddy spent the night cuddling Kaitlen keeping her comfy so she wouldn’t wake up while I was upstairs wrapping somewhere near 25 presents, some pretty big suckers too. We did go a little overboard with the gifts this year…daddy, grandma & I. But we needed to, she deserved it all. So I actually was able to wrap all the stuff but had like NO wrapping paper left afterwards. It sucked but was well worth it in the morning. She was so cute, she woke up happy as usual around 11am Christmas morning (I know I’m lucky I got a late sleeper), she had no clue what was going on. I changed her into her Christmas jammies and we took her upstairs. We woke up everyone who was still sleeping and then dug into the mountain of Princess wrapped gifts under our new tree. It was cute once she realized she could rip the paper off without anyone yelling about it. I had to tear it a little and then she’d rip right through the rest to see what was inside, once she figured out what it was and made us all ‘loook’ she threw it aside and began on the next one. Grampa, daddy & uncle josh got the job of opening and untangling all the toys and Grampa got paper cleaning duty too. I helped her open them and told her what they were and Gramma just smiled the whole time. It was fun seeing her play with her new stuff for only like a minute at a time becuase there were so many new things. Here’s a rundown of some of the stuff she got…

1. Bounce & Spin Zebra (from uncle josh)
2. Laugh & Learn 2 in 1 Kitchen (daddy)
3. Sesame Street Giggle & Go Garage with extra cars & Tractor trailor set (Gramma)
4. Amazing Animals Train & 4 Extra Animal & Baby Animal sets (Grampa)
5. Little People- like every set of these we could find… Preschool, Firetruck, Boat, SUV, Schoolbus, Noahs Ark (Gramma, Daddy & Me)
6. Busy Ball Popper and Extra Busy Ball sets<–the extra balls don’t work with the popper and that pissed me off a little (From Me!)
7. Shining Stars Stacker (Me)
8. Lots to Love Baby doll with feeding accessories<–extra chubby & cute (Me & daddy)
9. Vtech Crazy Legs Learning Spider (Gramma)
10. Vtech Alphabet Pal Caterpillar & a Princess Canvas Portrait (Aunt Kasey & Zach)
11. A baby doll (Cousin Jessie)
12. Money for a rocking caterpillar<–Still need to buy this one (Godparents Shawn & Shirley)
13. And a stocking full of M&Ms and stuff (From Santa of course)

Yeah so all in all I would say she had a pretty amazing Christmas this year. Then we left for her godparents house…everything went awesome there too. She loved everybody…untill uncle shawn growled at her, then she wouldn’t let him near her for the rest of the day. She can say “Shirry” (for shirley) and “Ammy” (for the dog Sammy). We had a great time over there untill the very end…I was walking out on my way to the car with kaitie in my arms and I slid right down the whole set of porch stairs. I switched Kaitlen to my chest (so she wouldn’t get hurt) but that didn’t work cause when I moved her I must have twisted her leg and we had to go to the ER on Christmas night. That was wonderful. But I do have to mention how sweet Perry was about all this. He was there for me and her in the hospital, making sure everything was going alright and fast too. He asked all the right questions and did everything he was supposed to do, comforting Kaitie and Me at the same time. All I could think was… “Now this is the man I married”. I was so touched, and proud that he acted the way he did, it showed me how much he is trying to be a better husband/father. Maybe he’s not all bad after all. So that ended in a tried mommy & baby loaded up on Codeine and a hungry daddy hunting for food on Christmas night.

So Tired of Just Not Knowing…

Sometimes I swear I just can’t make a solid decision on anything. I want it to all be over and then I can’t bear for it to end. I hate my husband for what he did, but I still love him for who he really can be. I know his potential and I can see it coming back in waves. Yet, I know what he’s put me through in the last 6 months and there’s no way in hell I will put up with that shit a minute more. He’s been changing, finally for the better and I just don’t know if he really deserves the chance to fix this. I know I don’t wanna end up being one of those stupid bitches like on Maury or something finding out the same shit is going on for the umteenth time. Where do I go from here? He is actually doing what I ask of him but I still don’t want to play my part in it. I don’t know what my part is. He is providing for our daughter and myself when necessary. He has been checking in with me and answering my calls at home and work 24/7. I haven’t heard any stories from anyone for awhile now (i.e.-him being with anyone, not home, or anyone going over there), nothing suspicious at all. I hope for the best with him I really do, but I just don’t know if I can handle anymore bullshit. I just don’t want anything to happen to completely ruin our chances of being able to co-parent without hatred. I know the truth, from him and from various other people. I heard all the ‘stories’ and added them all up to finally getting the truth. He told me everything, that’s what I said I wanted. Then I beat the shit outa  him for it. I slapped, punched, cried and screamed at him, there are so many bruises on his body that I really feel terrible about it all. But that’s what I needed at that moment. I couldn’t help myself, I couldn’t handle it all. I was whooping his ass and all he kept crying was “I love you baby, I’m so sorry, I just wanna take it all back, I just wanna die.” But I just kept hitting him, and crying and I couldn’t stop…Untill he grabbed me and hugged me as tight as he could. He said “If this is what you wanna do to me then do it, hit me as much as you need to, please just try to work this out, I just want my family back, I AM SORRY”. I dropped to the floor sobbing and he just hugged me and we cried, and he didn’t let me go. He gave me exactly what I asked for, everything I needed to hear, everything I needed him to do. He was just there for me, to let it all out on him. But that’s not enough. He still needs to gain my trust back bit by bit. He needs to do whatever it takes for me to be able to heal from this. If he can do these things than we can save our marriage. If he doesn’t, than we just have to throw in the towel. This time it has to be about us and what we want for ourselves and each other. Lets see how it goes.